wish

I wish I could put it all into words. I can Not. I can not translate alien workshop.  Sometimes it gets lonely......and awkward.

life is

Friday.  Bucky's funeral.. he bought everyone a drink.  I missed it.  Jared had what I now know to be 36 hrs later an asthma attack.. Scared the fucking shit out of me.  Spent the night at the hospital.  Poor little guy with his oxygen mask.  Gail, i'll contact her in a couple weeks...I'll never forget talking to Bucky in the parking lot last month.  Bart's going to struggle with this for some time.  We have a lot of learning to do about asthma.

stolen title. On Death and Dying.

I finally told someone important to me that I have no fear of dying.  In an attack I would fight back,  If I were diagnosed with a horrible disease it would be okay.  The part that would not be okay is the affect on my family.  Let's not focus on that part.  She told me recently that someone told her that they would be okay if they did not wake up.  This was a natural feeling in spirituality.  It is a place of non- attatchment.  I am not saying I would be ecstatic at the diagnosis.  I am saying I have no fear .  Everything would be okay.  She told me it was common for those who have a had a series of traumatic events in their life to feel this way.  I had briefly mentioned it in an email to a friend but I had never mentioned it to her  ...out of fear...fear of being taken the wrong way.  I don't have a lot of words for these thoughts.  It is just a conclusion I came to.  It's a road I am on.  I did and do not want to sound morbid.  Completely the opposite.  I have been rapid cycling as of late .  Suffering severe insomnia.  Structure is changing.  I have taken up hulahooping.

train of thought

digesting

Games

Games.  I have always played games.  Even when I run and hide.  I am currently in hiding....oh my mistake, in healing lol!!!!  Another season at the barnyard has just begun.  I took my few steps into the greenhouse to do math.  I do a lot of math in the spring...math, math and more math.  Math was my weakest subject in school.  I found it boring.  Go figure I grow up and it becomes one of my greatest assets.  This year I will not be measuring chemicals, however.  Saddens me.  I am teaching quite a bit more but I still miss being part of the growing.  Oh well, I have my own yard to tend to...Si I was told to look for more like minded folks...  not easy when you live in the middle of nowhere . It has taken me a long time to find the folks I all ready have in my life.  Artistic temperment gets bored rather easy.  A year ago...an hour felt like 30 sec.  I was able to fill my time Now an hour feels like 8.  @ friends of mine fellow drummers, bellydancers invited me to come along to a 2 hr. dance class with a woman that I know a bit from drumming.  They said it is an hysterical experience.  I think I might go.   Cathy is a belly dancer and a midwife and Jill is a beautiful artist.  I am often in awe when I sit in her studio on Tues. afternoons.  My husband and I need to hire a babysitter more often.  You mesh into such a tight threesome when you have an only child.   He would like me to do the 500 hrs. and then we can think about bldg a small studio here on our property.  I can hold classes in yoga and meditation and also offer holistic medicinal advice.  I would also like to throw workshops on making your own body treatments, creams , lip balms, shampoo and things such as laundry detergent.  Share some of my crazy knowledge with those interested.. All in time.  Over the next 5 years, I suppose.  I want to do the ayervedic schooling @ Kripala at some point.  Right now I need to get my head in gear for spring.  The guys will be showing up in a couple weeks...Place to bring the eggs.  I need to continue teaching, working at the barnyard and doing double time around here while my husband  is gone 24/7.  Such is life.  All raedy this spring is turning out better than last and 100% better than 2009.   They are all still worried.  He thinks of me as a loose cannon.lol!!!!  fun..Obviously I took it the wrong way but that has since mended itself.  Krishnabai...thinks of me as one too, this time of year.  Cutting back on the caffeine may help.  yeah, that will help hahahahahah... ahhh and back to games.  Some like to think they can outsmart, outwit and I like the pleasure of letting them think so.  Games. 

hours

awake.  How alarming.  Not really.  I am awake evry night around 1-2 am..  Then I stomp down the stairs and open some bottles and hope for the best.  Generally, I read.  I have had some disturbing dreams tonight.  Not alarming once again.  I am the queen of nightmares, often screaming in my sleep.  When I have an over abundancee...holy shit big word finally...I'm amazed.. 25 cents.  there is trouble on the horizon.  A lot of nightmares spells a lot of trouble.. May currently be due to writing shallow stories about my past.  Lacking emotion and literary terms.  So, enough for now.  I'll stick with the here and now.  I taught class at a benefit on Sunday and decided I am heading in for my 500 hr. certification.  I sent for some information...just waiting to hear back.  I am ready to dive deeper.  A teacher, a guru of sorts was at the Benefit.  It was Yogaday.  To find out Keene Yoga day has the largest attendance in the country made me nervous.  What the hell did I get myself into?  What the fuck am I thinking?  I taught in a small room that was packed wall to wall.  How I can remain calm in a crowd astonishes me.. I led some meditation, some yoga and back to meditation.  My music that I worked on the night before for an hour or so konked out halfway through, turns out my ipod was running in my back...So it brought me way in...was over before it began. Lee came with me.  I have been introducing her to yoga classes nad videos and mindfulness .  For selfish reasons?  Hoping to change her.  No , hoping to get her to wake the fuck up.  She's sick and she still smokes..Lost her license for 7 years getting it back in 2 months.  Yet, she just doesn't get it.  Who am I to judge.  What the fuck do I get?  I am moody, obviously.  Slipping in and out of conciousness, busy over analyzing every step.  A hopeless paranoid walking nightmare.  This went away for quite a few years.  It's back full force and I just want it to go away again.  Can't happen fast enough.  I had a great yet, unusual conversation at class the other day.  My teacher, a student and I were chatting about life and it's discontents.  I left feeling as if I wanted to hug them, cry and anxious all at the same time.  It was a real conversation.  Something I limit.  I am often uncomfortable with people.  I keep to myself.  I chat and such...mumble this and that...always willing to add humor to any given situation.  anxiety?  But I freeze up at the idea of interpersonal relationships.  Going to coffee.  I would rather hide out.  I am comfortable in a yoga studio.  Telling and teaching what I know in front of strangers.  Holding conversations in that medium.  My drum circle is a great outlet, bellydancing is a great time for me and my body to connect.  Music.  I am comfortable with music.  Often does a better job expressing how I feel.  I use it to my advantage..  When the radio went out I had to watch myself...and guide myself back to the present.  Back to the 500 hrs.  This will be a challenge, depending on how the time is broken up.  I hate waiting for information.  A lthough besides that I have a lot of patience.  Good with silence...not the walls in between.

chicago

I was talking to someone about Chicago.  I do not like Chicago.  I spent the worst year of my life there.  How did I get there?  I visited a girl from Chicago when i was 15.  We were penpals for quite a few years and we felt it was time to meet.  It became a yearly thing. I went there. She came here.  She visited me in Nyc.  Then there was a lapse in time.  She came across country, drove and visited me in Massachusetts shortly after my first suicide attempt.  I was all numbed up   .  Enjoyed her stay.  We made plans for me to visit the following month.  So I did.   We enjoyed each others company.  She had a boyfriend who was in the midst of discovering his true self.  He was having a hard time.  She had a boyfriend on the side too!  Mike was his name.  The first time I met Mike something clicked between us.  I showed him how I could wrap my legs around my neck .  He showed me how to snort ecstasy and play video games and listen to headphones all at the same time.  It was deep lol!!  We all went to a party.  Ginger was dressed up as a geisha girl, I was a vampire, it was halloween as you might suspect.  Ginger was wearing no underwear and was high as a kite.  Flashing herself about the room.  I spent most of my time in the other room with the nitrous oxide .  When we left that evening we all decided it was high time we got better aquainted.  Ginger was fucked up.  She decided to call her boyfriend and go home.  That was the last time I ever saw here.  I was caught up in the ropes of drug addiction.  I stayed at Mike's.  I extended my stay 2 more weeks.  Snorted ecstasy, played video games and listened to music day in and day out.  Mike was a dealer.  I went home and planned for another trip in a month.  Went back and decided I would apply to school in Chicago...leave nyc behind and move.  Bad choice.  I was accepted into Loyola.  A Jesuit University.  I traveled in a uhaul...the whole time passed out on Somas...I vaguely remember the trip.  I arrived at the apt.  Went upstairs and did a couple lines of heroin.  Later that night we went out to some friends and spent the night doing cocaine and playing pool.  That was the norm that summer.  School started.  I attended... Fully wrapped up in heroin once again... living in a one room rooming house in between apts  racking up an expensive habit.. We bought and sold.   I did this for 5 months then I had to leave for awhile because I owed a dealer money. In the meantime we moved.  When I got back we settled in to our new place and went to Arizona to clean up and hide out.  We spent some time there.  I did not  go back to school.  I went back to the most miserable, deep  depression I have ever experienced.  I kept waking up day after day thinking it would lift.  The sun would shine.  I never changed my clothes, I didn't eat.  I did pills and drugs when I could get my hands on them.  I was anti social.. Did not get along with my roomates  .Had little money.  Not enough to leave and I was sick of Mike.  I missed Nyc.  Finally my mother scraped some money to get me out.  I left.  Only to return 6 months later to make plans to move to Arizona.  Unfortunately after 2 months on methadone and a trip to the psych unit and a full detox.  I was wrapped up in heroin again.  I went back for drugs.  The final time I left there I used for 3 months then got a job at a farm.