life is

Friday.  Bucky's funeral.. he bought everyone a drink.  I missed it.  Jared had what I now know to be 36 hrs later an asthma attack.. Scared the fucking shit out of me.  Spent the night at the hospital.  Poor little guy with his oxygen mask.  Gail, i'll contact her in a couple weeks...I'll never forget talking to Bucky in the parking lot last month.  Bart's going to struggle with this for some time.  We have a lot of learning to do about asthma.

stolen title. On Death and Dying.

I finally told someone important to me that I have no fear of dying.  In an attack I would fight back,  If I were diagnosed with a horrible disease it would be okay.  The part that would not be okay is the affect on my family.  Let's not focus on that part.  She told me recently that someone told her that they would be okay if they did not wake up.  This was a natural feeling in spirituality.  It is a place of non- attatchment.  I am not saying I would be ecstatic at the diagnosis.  I am saying I have no fear .  Everything would be okay.  She told me it was common for those who have a had a series of traumatic events in their life to feel this way.  I had briefly mentioned it in an email to a friend but I had never mentioned it to her  ...out of fear...fear of being taken the wrong way.  I don't have a lot of words for these thoughts.  It is just a conclusion I came to.  It's a road I am on.  I did and do not want to sound morbid.  Completely the opposite.  I have been rapid cycling as of late .  Suffering severe insomnia.  Structure is changing.  I have taken up hulahooping.