dark

 It started yesterday.  Well atually it started last week.  This long awaited depression that comes when you are doing everything chemically possible to suppress dopamine. Does fucking suppress have 1 or 2 p's.  That pisses me off.   I am not happy.  I cancelled my day.  I generally teach yoga to the elderly on Fridays on a volunteer basis.  I am under the weather.  Under the weather allright under the hood of a car expecting a slam on the head which is what I am about to give myself....A cocktail of sorts, doctor prescribed.  My life is full of pills.  Pills to go up , pills to come down, pills to stay right in the middle where I am supposed to be but never am. I feel sorry for my son.  I feel sorry for my husband.  Fuck I feel sorry for my dog.  Everyone reassure's me my son will be okay.  My husband asks what's wrong..?  Will I find out in about 6 months?  hahahahaha  probably....by then I may have formulated an answer that I will scream with authority...like I own it!   I spend a lot of time alone.  I have few close friends.  I don't trust letting people close to me.  I really don't.  So  I don't.  Simple as that.  I have a yoga crowd, a belly dancing crowd, a consignment store crowd....Bart's crowd....and me and a few mother's whose children Jared enjoys.  I share my deepest secrets with noone.  At one point in my life I did.  I am not that  person anymore.  In fact I do not know who that person is.  Taking pills numbs me.  Numbs my creativity, my emotions, my ability to feel, to express.  I resent it.  I do yoga for peace.  I find a quiet in it.  It feeds my buried spirit.  When I am without pills I am alive!  colorful, vibrant, sensual, talkative, open....right now I feel halfway to dead.  Falling down a hill...ready to climb into my mountain of blankets cover over my head and never wake up....it never changes I am stagnant....slumped over like a lump of coal be pushed into a smoldering fire that won't go out.   I am like a broken record.  I worry about being a good mother.  I give all my energy to Jared when he is home.  My husband says I need to draw more lines.  I coddle.  I do for him.  I am not a good disciplinarian. I am aware of that..  My therapist often tells me I need to show him that the world is not going to do everything for him.  ha  I am aware of that, bitch.  I protect him with everything I have...and yes, he uses it to his advantage. lol!  He has a very different relationship with his father than he does with me.  I work on it.  Trying to set more boundries.  Being Jared's mom is the love of my life, my full time job.  The minute I found out I was pregnant I was elated and I have been in love with him ever since.  I am very hard on myself.  That is why I don't work at the farm anymore.  I become hyperfocused with task at hand.  It is a letdown.   discouraging.  I feel handicapped...They are doing it for my own good.  I need to take the time and take care of myself... hahahahahah  take care of myself...how much more can a person do...great now I am crying.   .     lol  I'm back.  Just started the woodstove, put in laundry...so this is what depressed people do....they go on living....God forbid I tell anyone I was crying .  That would spark worry amonst the masses. My husband would come home. My family would talk among each other.  It would pure chaos  lol!!!!!  I am teaching on Sunday at an all day yoga event to benefit hospice so I have pull myself together.  I am a good actor.  Although while I am doing yoga I am in a totally different zone.  It takes me away from the here and now .  It makes me feel settled.  Quite a few classes have been cancelled over the past few weeks due to weather.  That is never a good thing.  I like volunteering.  I like giving back to the community.  Showing others how to relax and chill out.  My dog is insane.   Back again.  I keep coming and going.  I am going to keep blabbering until I am unable to type or see...whichever comes first.  Went and checked my facebook acct.  and a friend posted on a song and it made me cry..  It made me cry so much I wanted to scream. The song reminds me of him,...as does a lot of music from my 20's  He is all my regret summed up in a ball.  Every ounce.  I have dreams recurring nightmares with him involved.  I work on letting go.  Can't change the past...blah blah blah.. I have heard it all and then some.  When I look back over the past the only true regret I have is the hurt I caused him.    He tried to be my best friend and I shoved him and shoved him and tore him up and down.  Similar to what I did to Bart 2 years ago.  Although with him....I didn't stop and didn't fix what I broke.  I lost in the end.   Hindsight is 20/20.   I guess having all your regret piled into one ball is better than a million little pieces.  Sure I have done a lot of repair and apologizing for the past.  Christ...Facebook alone I had 3 people come at me anrgy and we discussed it and I apologized and definitely knew where they were coming from.Then I found out there are a few more  mad at me?  who me?  little ole' innocent me?  no, never lol   sinister scowl laugh from hell  fuck em"   What I can't do is change the past.  oh well.  I would do anything to change just that one thing. I carry it with me like a thorn in my side.  Maybe we will meet again in the next life.  I am just happy we have always retained a relationship through all these years.  Makes my heart smile.  Yes it does. Boy I am mumbling...That is if this was speech.  This is the part I don't like.  You start to feel good again and then your vision gets blurry....can't it be easy...make you feel better without causing you to pass out?