hours

awake.  How alarming.  Not really.  I am awake evry night around 1-2 am..  Then I stomp down the stairs and open some bottles and hope for the best.  Generally, I read.  I have had some disturbing dreams tonight.  Not alarming once again.  I am the queen of nightmares, often screaming in my sleep.  When I have an over abundancee...holy shit big word finally...I'm amazed.. 25 cents.  there is trouble on the horizon.  A lot of nightmares spells a lot of trouble.. May currently be due to writing shallow stories about my past.  Lacking emotion and literary terms.  So, enough for now.  I'll stick with the here and now.  I taught class at a benefit on Sunday and decided I am heading in for my 500 hr. certification.  I sent for some information...just waiting to hear back.  I am ready to dive deeper.  A teacher, a guru of sorts was at the Benefit.  It was Yogaday.  To find out Keene Yoga day has the largest attendance in the country made me nervous.  What the hell did I get myself into?  What the fuck am I thinking?  I taught in a small room that was packed wall to wall.  How I can remain calm in a crowd astonishes me.. I led some meditation, some yoga and back to meditation.  My music that I worked on the night before for an hour or so konked out halfway through, turns out my ipod was running in my back...So it brought me way in...was over before it began. Lee came with me.  I have been introducing her to yoga classes nad videos and mindfulness .  For selfish reasons?  Hoping to change her.  No , hoping to get her to wake the fuck up.  She's sick and she still smokes..Lost her license for 7 years getting it back in 2 months.  Yet, she just doesn't get it.  Who am I to judge.  What the fuck do I get?  I am moody, obviously.  Slipping in and out of conciousness, busy over analyzing every step.  A hopeless paranoid walking nightmare.  This went away for quite a few years.  It's back full force and I just want it to go away again.  Can't happen fast enough.  I had a great yet, unusual conversation at class the other day.  My teacher, a student and I were chatting about life and it's discontents.  I left feeling as if I wanted to hug them, cry and anxious all at the same time.  It was a real conversation.  Something I limit.  I am often uncomfortable with people.  I keep to myself.  I chat and such...mumble this and that...always willing to add humor to any given situation.  anxiety?  But I freeze up at the idea of interpersonal relationships.  Going to coffee.  I would rather hide out.  I am comfortable in a yoga studio.  Telling and teaching what I know in front of strangers.  Holding conversations in that medium.  My drum circle is a great outlet, bellydancing is a great time for me and my body to connect.  Music.  I am comfortable with music.  Often does a better job expressing how I feel.  I use it to my advantage..  When the radio went out I had to watch myself...and guide myself back to the present.  Back to the 500 hrs.  This will be a challenge, depending on how the time is broken up.  I hate waiting for information.  A lthough besides that I have a lot of patience.  Good with silence...not the walls in between.